Most people get excited about the new year. They make resolutions they tend to never keep. I, however, have other things on my mind than trying to ‘start a work out plan’ or ‘eat healthier’. At 24 I feel stuck. I feel like I am slowly losing my friends. One by one. Whether it’s because marriage, children, or moving, I feel more alone than ever. It doesn’t seem to help either that most of my friends are guys and once they get married I consider our friendship pretty much over out of respect for the wife and believe that’s how it should be. I wish the following were true, but after awhile that lifestyle just doesn’t cut it:


What’s worse is I don’t even have the desire anymore to be married or have children. I don’t even know if I want to be in a relationship right now. I’m not sure when I exactly lost these desires, but I know it was pretty recently. Maybe my hope disappeared, maybe my trust has been shattered, maybe it’s insecurity, or maybe it’s just a huge combination of things. Either way, I am hoping it’s just stress and that in meantime, I can shift my focus to work and school.

The school I am applying to only accepts 8 people out of around 100 and I have to pass certain tests to get in and if I fail then there’s no school. This has been on my mind consistently lately and I fear that if I fail then I won’t be able to do school and therefore, won’t be able to have a steady career and be able to support myself. I also fear financial aid wont’ cover everything and I am barely making it by every month as it is.

I’m beginning to think what’s really bothering me though is after school and after buying a house, a new car, and even (if it I decided to) settling down and have kids, then what’s next? What’s after that? It all eventually withers away and that brings me back to my relationship with God which has withered away itself. I hate that I feel like I can’t put God as a priority in my life and know school will it affect only more. I work weekends meaning no church and have work every night of the week, except Thursdays, so no bible studies. Eventually though I will be working weekends (12 hours) and school will be M-Th nights with work on one of those days or two of those days. I need that interaction with people and my ‘Christian’ friends never have time so it’s not easy to surround myself with people like that outside of home.

I know this post is horribly depressing, but I’m hoping to be able to look back on it and realize that it all worked out. That’s the point of a blog anyway; to write about your journey and see what came of it. <3